I have decided it is about time a set of Neanderthal predictions were made for the coming months up to 2011. After studying my nearest neigbours entrails I have given a general weather forcast as well as a political prediction for each month. I would implore readers to regard both set of predictions with as much temerity as they regard Gordon Browns financial acumen.
1. January will be cold. The government will unveal a new uncosted program to boost the income of a key group of swing voters. The program will be targetted to begin sometime after June.
2. February will also be cold. In some parts it may be extremely cold. Gordon Brown will be busy with various photo opportunities with other World leaders to show how Britain is leading the world forward out of stagnation. A significant increase in foreign aid will be announced, showing Britains commitment to the poor of the third world. The money, earmarked to be donated after June will go directly to third world governments in order to ensure it is spent wisely.
3. March will be blustery with some ice. There will be some structural damage due to high winds. The government will unveal a another new uncosted program to boost the income of a key group of swing voters. The program will be targetted to begin sometime after June. Inflation will rise to 2.8%. The pound will slump to parity with the Euro. Unemployment will reach 2.7 million
4. April will have many showers. The budget will emphasise the governments commitment to "Investment in People, Jobs and Industry". There will be several uncosted programs to boost the income of key groups of swing voters. These programs are due to start later in the year. Many will refer to the budget as a give-away budget. Others will refer to it as out-and-out bribery. Bankers (amongst others) are accussed of sabotaging the Labour economic miracle. The government proposes undefined measures to ensure that it cannot happen again.
5. May There will be a short warm period within May that will be unseasonally hot. The election will be held on Thursday 20th May. The Conservatives will win with a majority of 12. Labour will lose heavily to the SNP and Plaid Cymru. Their losses in
6. June will be warm and a welcome introduction to summer. David Cameron will jet about meeting and greeting the various great and good from around the world. There will be a fist fight in the House of Commons over a supposed remark made by the BNP MP.
7. July will be hot. The first really hot July for three years. The preliminary economic audit ordered by the Tories on winning the election will be completed. The audit will show the country is in a much worse state than feared and is catastophically over-burdened with debt. Inflation will reach 3.5% Unemployement will hit 2.8 million. A trade union leader will announce that we should not be surprised at these calamities after electing a Tory government.
8. August will also be very warm. Because of the three previous poor summers the climate will feel unnaturally hot. The BBC will produce an Horison Program "Is This the Start of Global Warming?" Satellite data fror 2009 will show an unprecedented increase in the size of the Artic ice sheet over the winter period. This will be regarded as a single cycle anomoly by CRU.
9. September is warm and blustery. Inflation edges near 4%. The government adopts deperate measures to try and remove £100 billion pounds of the money printed by Labour from the money supply. Unemployment continues to rise.
10. October is wet and stormy. There is talk of a public enquiry into labours handling of the economy over the last two years. There is talk of the discovery of deliberate financial sabotage in the last few months of the Labour administration.
11. November starts out wet and turns cold with some frost and ice towards the end of the month. The government cancels the two aircraft carriers currently being built. Some sections of the public sector take strike action.
12. December is a repetition of 2009. Extremely cold weather causes disruption and travel chaos. This is not helped by a series of one day strikes on the London underground
So there you go. I hope it is rosier than that and I desperately hope it is not worse. Lets hope that in the new year we can move things forward to give the countries of Britain the meaning and identitiy they desperately need.